People Watch

ErnstDrunk
Originally uploaded by trevorsellers.

I spent my last Saturday night watching people from a corner bench in downtown Chico, and as weird and mildly creepy as that sounds, it was one of the best things I've ever done in my life, maybe. I'll give a rundown of the night's events.

Happenings

1. The first five minutes I was at my bench I saw a guy nearly get hit by a car. Now normally this would be something I would feel was well deserved by the almost crippled, but in this case it was the driver that should have been badly injured. The guy was walking through the cross walk, a woman pulled around the corner, not looking, and almost hit, his shoe fell off in front of her car, and when he bent down to pick it up she started to go again, dumb ass lady. This made me feel really bad for the guy, worse than I've felt about anything for a long time, I don't know why.

2. Some lame ass Chico, hippy types get pulled over right in front of me, I mean I was four feet away, so I got to see and hear everything that was going on. The cop said they were speeding and had expired tags, the driver tried to explain why his tags were expired, something about the moon not being in line with stars and so his tags wouldn't stick to the license plate. The two guys in the car were obviously stoned, the cop didn't seem to notice, the passenger also had to me on crank, he couldn't stop moving around. After ten minutes of the guy asking why he needed to sign his ticket, they were off.

3. Some creepy couple came and joined me. The guy was around 30, the woman, around 50+ and homeless looking, but they were ion the mood for love that night, so they took off after a short time to go find a nice bush or pile of dirt to do their thing in.

4. The line for the bar across the street was immense, I mean it wrapped around the block, which is a little longer than normal. All the kids that came up to my corner and saw the line were baffled as to why there was such a long line for a bar on a Saturday night during Labor Day weekend in Chico, idiots.

5. A little strange guy came up, I remembered him from elementary school, he used to be deaf, no hearing aids anymore, so I thought he would still be friendly. He asked me if I needed a job or some extra money, "No" I said, he kept asking, so I thought he was trying to get at something, you know, "You need a 'job' or something for some extra money?" Finally he tells me I could earn two hundred dollars if I wanted to kill somebody for him, he made it sound so simple, just kill a guy for me that was being a jerk and I'll give you two hundred bucks, my bank's right here. I told him to go away from me, he offered again and I suggested he should go stand way over by the stop light, away from me. He asked a few more people the same thing and finally left. No reports of any murders yet.

6. A second couple joined me and the bench. They were nice enough, came from the bay area to visit some friends who happened to ditch them to go to a crowded bar. They were trying to get a cab home, but not actually trying. When the taxi would get close the guy would kind of flap his wrist around, looking really fruity in the process. Finally, after 30 minutes of this I got up and hailed a taxi for them so they would leave, his girlfriend was super bitchy and she needed to go somewhere else, far, far away from me.

7. Two more girls joined me, they said they ususally sit on the same bench Saturday nights and watch people, it was nice to have someone to verbalize my thoughts to. But when you have two nice, young girls sitting next to you, dudes will look for any excuse to try and impress them, so me, being the only other guy around, was the butt of these brouham's jokes. On two different occasions dudes asked me if I was a little bit gay, not gay, but just a little bit. They were so sure of themselves, too. They'd be like, "Dude, are you sure, not even a little bit?" What the hell, do I look a little gay? Maybe they were attracted to me and my Lyle Lovitt haircut and that made them feel super uncomfortable?

8. Two a.m. rolls around, the bars close and the streets are filled with tons of assholes trying to find the girl they're going to take home with them, most of them ended up leaving on pedi-cabs with their guy friends, anly to go back to their homes and make homoerotic jokes towards one another.

I walked home and thought about how interesting it was to watch the Chico in their natural habitat. Very, very interesting stuff, my only complaint is I wish I would have brought a notebook to write stuff down in, because I know I forgot a ton of things.